Previously on Black Dynamite...
We finally have enough flu vaccine to immunize
every man, woman, and child in the black community.
And it's 100% free and mandatory for all blacks. [ crowd gasps ]
B.D.: "Mandatory" and "free" sounds like a code for the BBG.
- The BBG? What's that, Black Dynamite? - B.D.: Post-coital white girl, it's a big black
- genocide thing. You wouldn't understand. - Aww, I thought you just gave
- me the big black genocide. - B.D.: You damn right, b... wait a minute. What?
[ all screaming ]
B.D.: You like injecting people with poison?
Then you gonna love this! Suey! [ screams ]
B.D.: Honey Bee, I need you to keep every whore and orphan under lock and key until
I give the go-ahead that everything is a-okay. Now, do you I need to repeat
- everything I just said? - Honey Bee: No, Black Dynamite.
- I was writing it down. Is everything okay? - B.D.: I ain't got time to give you
the details right now, but it's very, very, very, very, very, very, very bad.
[ receiver clicks ] Cream Corn: Is it bad?
B.D.: You're letting them do it to you! Only you can prevent the big
black genocide ... only you and you and you and you!
Huh?
- Aw, suey! - No!
- Don't let them do it to you! Cream Corn: Black Dynamite, the flu shot wasn't very, very,
- very, very, very, very bad. It didn't even hurt. - B.D.: Damn it, I'm too late,
and now every last one of you is a dead mothafucka'. [ screams ]
Honey Bee: Black Dynamite, you don't look so good.
B.D.: I -I feel like I don't look so ... [ thud ]
- Black Dynamite! - Oh, my god. This man has... the flu!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ So Dynamite ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ahhhh ♪
♪ He's Dynamite ♪
♪ Dy-no, dy-no ♪
♪ Ooohhh, ooohhh ♪
♪ Oooohhhh ♪
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
This week...
1x05 - Panic on the Player's Ball Express or That's Influenza Sucka!
B.D.: Honey Bee, what's wrong with me? I don't feel like myself, and
whoever it is do feel like, I don't want a damn thing to do with them!
Honey Bee: Well, the good news is you're gonna be just fine.
Doc said all you got is the bad case of the flu. And here ...
I picked up your antibiotics. Now, just take two of these ...
B.D.: I ain't taking none of that shit. Black Dynamite's a grown, natural man.
His body fights its own battles. But wait, now. I just noticed that all three
of you are dressed like you going to the Player's Ball or something.
B.D.: I'm already laying down. Now just lay it on me.
- And don't call me "Blacky D" no more. - Honey Bee: Oh, Black Dynamite, you're right.
Player's Ball weekend is starting now.
No! Not the Player's Ball weekend! The one weekend a year where every whoremonger worth his
pimp juice gets together to party like there's no tomorrow?! But now I won't even be there, now.
Honey Bee: And this year, it's gonna be on a pimped-out super train!
Cream Corn: Don't even worry, B.D. I'ma tell all the hoes you
got buttermilk biscuits in your lungs and a sick case of the pukes.
Now, if y'all need me, I'm gonna be in the car, honking the horn.
Honey Bee: Now, how can I have fun with you here all alone to fend for yourself like some
kind of abandoned newborn baby? [ horn honking ]
B.D.: Honey Bee, I ain't no newborn baby no more. But even if I was, the last thing
a newborn Black Dynamite would want to grow up to be is some kind of party pooper.
Honey Bee: Exactly. Feel better! I'ma kill them at the Player's Ball tonight!
Bullhorn: Black Dynamite, look. Before I shook, I wanted to give
you this zen-motor-scooter of a self-help book.
- B.D.: "So you have the flu" by Sun Tzu. - Bullhorn: It's just like "the art of war," but instead,
it's on the flu ... chinese remedies used for centuries, and it just
might work for you, too. And now, see you, and I wouldn't want to be you.
B.D.: Man, what's the big deal anyway?
Everybody knows that once you seen one Hustler's convention,
- you seen them all. [ TV turns on ] - Those who think that once
you've seen one hustler's convention, you've seen them all, have never been aboard the
Player's Ball express! This year's annual gathering of all things pimp-related is
taking place aboard an invitation-only, luxury locomotive
that runs on custom-built double-wide chrome tracks.
Welcome aboard, y'all, to the Player's Ball express!
♪ Game ♪ ♪ they just want to spit game ♪
♪ and pimp these whores ♪ ♪ and stay paid all day ♪
Are you guys whores? Right this way.
♪ Freeze ♪ ♪ there goes tasty freeze ♪
♪ and Crenshaw Pete ♪
♪ they say his hangar's hot ♪
♪ purses first and asses last ♪
♪ they're playing at the Player's Ball. ♪
B.D.: Of all the sad-sack sons of bitches to end up bedridden on the bathroom
floor, why did it have to be me this weekend? Say...
Isn't that the book that Bullhorn got me? I think I ...
[ eastern-style music plays ]
Sun Tzu said, "the greatest enemy makes the body a
battleground. It must be killed before it kills you...
- ...when you have the flu."
B.D.: All right. Tell me how I stop this flu shit and kill him dead.
Sun Tzu said, "before battle, first seek nourishment.
Once on the war path, there can be no retreat."
B.D.: All right. You cool with Roscoe's?
I find the food hit or miss. But it is convenient... when you have the flu.
♪ So, goodbye, can't comply ♪ ♪ no more tears will I cry ♪
So, by the time I've roped, hog-tied, and branded her,
you best believe old girl knows who her man is.
- She knows she's property of chocolate giddy-u-u-u-p. - Cream Corn: Sorry, but, uh,
- were we talking about your hoes or your horses again? - My horses, of course!
- Who the hell would even brand a human whore? - Honey Bee: You mean besides Crenshaw Pete?
On-track, off-track betting! These maggots thought of everything!
Top o' the morning, suckers! Give ye old leprechaun pimp me damn gold!
♪ It's real cool to take a break from the hustle and get in some real R&R ♪
♪ 'cause pimping 24/7 is too damn hard I know what you mean, player ♪
♪ my arches is always aching I got so many gators that I ♪
♪ ain't have time to break in true pimp problems, player. ♪ [ glasses clink ]
[ slurring ] Good morning, players! Let's get naked!
Bullhorn: [ laughs ] It ain't been but an hour since the train left the station,
and Captain K's already a [bleep] faced disgrace to the whole pimp nation!
[ laughter ] Man, you players are some haters.
Now, if he don't drink responsibly, how's he supposed to pimp responsibly?
Hey, man! Open up! I'm coming in! Fair warning ... I don't have
pants on. My balls are out. I'm gonna get naked
with somebody in here! Hello?! What the...?
You know what your head looks like? My balls.
♪ Gonorrhea. [ laughs ]
Holy [bleep] [bleep] piss!
Did anyone ever tell you that you look like that "Love Boat" bartender mother [bleep].
- Kill his ass, Isaac. - What?! What part of the game is this?!
The part where I shake the whole pimp game down and get you players in pocket ...
- Leroy van Nuys' pocket. - I'm allergic to fire! [ screams ]
[ train horn blows ]
♪ So, goodbye, can't comply ♪ - Time for this cowboy to Mosey
on over to the outhouse and water his stallion. [ yodeling ]
Oh, my god!
"I'm a pimp killa bitch." "I'm a pimp k..."
"I'm a ..." Oh, my god!
♪ So, goodbye murderer! ♪ [ record scratches ]
Murderer! [ glass breaks ]
What the hell are you doing, yelling "Murder, murder!" at a pimp party, fool?!
Somebody's cooked kangaroo's goose. There's a pimp killer on this
- train, and we're all pimps! - Sit your black "blazing saddles" ass down.
100-plus miles on a train full of hustlers with they best hoes, finest jewelry, and bankrolls in
tow, and you getting your no-ass-having chaps in a bunch over one dead pimp?
- I say we're doing pretty good! [ crowd cheers ] - You reckless studs play how
you want. Stop this train! Chocolate giddy-u-u-u-u-u-p
- wants to get off! - Whatever, ol' wimpy-ass pimp. [ sizzling ]
Honey Bee: Okay. All right. I didn't need to see that!
Cream Corn: Damn! You think all that drinking made him extra flammable?
Bullhorn: Tonight was supposed to be a night to end all nights,
but now it's clear as day ... something's just not right.
[ screams ]
Oh, my god! [ splat! ]
What's the shakedown?
Attention. This is the conductor up in this mother [bleep].
Y'all may have noticed we missed a stop. That's because this player's
ball has now gone express. Next stop, eternity in hell. [ gasps ]
This pimping is a cold gam. Thanks for playing, suckers!
[ dramatic music plays ]
Ohhh! See, I told y'all! We're all gonna die!
B.D.: Give me two orders of Roscoe's chicken soup and hot
- lemony tea, and make it come right up. - Soup and tea? That was two weeks ago,
Black Dynamite. Problem with food is it comes and it goes, and I needed
something with a little more staying power. So, from now on, it's Roscoe's
8-track and betamax! Now, how many 8-tracks and betamaxes
- would you like, Black Dynamite? - B.D.: Hold your horses and your betamaxes, Roscoe.
We're receiving unconfirmed reports that the Player's Ball
express has been hijacked. If only there was one man with
a plan on that train there to save everyone.
B.D.: Wait. I know one man who should've been on that train in the first place, and that man has a plan.
And that plan is to get on that train and save everyone, even they though they could
have a Player's Ball without him. And that man's name is Black ...
[ gags ] is Black ... [ gags ]
[ sighs ] is Black Dyna... [ vomits ]
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite
Man, you done throwed up all over my electronics store, Black Dynamite.
Bullhorn: Now, I don't blame no one here for fear about their health,
but let's be clear ... this ain't no time for "every pimp for himself."
And you know what I say, sucker? Every pimp for himself!
Cream Corn: Wait, Crenshaw Pete! There's still some pimp room on that lifeboat!
So long, sons of bitches!
Aaaah!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
Cream Corn: Never mind.
[ growling ]
♪ All over my ... ♪ Aah!
Oh, god!
[ people screaming ]
[ automatic guns ]
[ screaming continues ]
[ door opens in distance ]
[ dramatic music plays ]
What the hell?!
Leroy van Nuys? I thought you were dead!
Then you thought wrong, Lucky Charms, 'cause it's the opposite of that.
[ baby crying ]
You been laying around here givin' birth all day. Now get your ass out there and
- get me my money, you lazy ho. - When I was drownin' in a sinkful of pimp juice, turnin'
blue and not breathin', y'all thought I was dead. Then, when my mama left her pimp
and he blasted out my chest with his shotgun, y'all thought I was dead.
Then, when I needed that kidney transplant and all the pimps was matching donors but nobody gave
me one and y'all stuck my ass in a box and put me in the ground, y'all thought I was dead.
But guess what ... Leroy van Nuys is alive! The opposite of what y'all 'bout
- to be ... dead. [ screams ] - Your tragic back story is just water
- under the bridge now. Why are you doing this? - 'Cause I'm a mother [bleep] pimp,
mother [bleep] and this is the most cold-blooded [bleep],
- I could come up with. - Now, we're not opposed to negotiation, Leroy.
You're amongst rational people. After all, we're all pimps here.
- Say, if I remember correctly, you owe me a pot of gold, sucker. - Take it all!
- I don't really care at all about me gold anyway. - Too late. You screwed me
out of 10 grand, so now I'm gonna screw you with 10 grand, you little midget mother [bleep].
[ all screaming ] [ screams ]
I'm seein' pink hearts, yellow moons, green clovers, blue diamonds, and a white light.
[ bones crunch ]
- Eww! That's just nasty! - You see, that's why none of y'all
can compete, 'cause a real pimp ain't got no heart. [ ticking ]
[ laughing evilly ]
Honey Bee: Aw, hell. Robot pimp [bleep] and money fat boy done fell out.
This some bull [bleep] here. I got to get off this train. Black Dynamite!
Yeah.
Sun, when capability is diminished, overlook not any resource,
even the aid of a despised white rival... when you have the flu.
B.D.: Sun Tzu, you got me going to the pigs. I sure hope
your ancient wisdom knows what the hell it's talking about.
Normally, I would never come to no cracker cop for his honky
help, but the proverbial [bleep] has literally hit the actual fan.
Sorry, Black Dynamite. It's kind of hard paying
attention to you and playing PONG at the same time. It is really, really good.
You will be meeting horrifc death at the edge of Snake Canyon.
B.D.: Attention, Player's Ball express. Do you read me, Player's Ball?
This is Player's Ball express. Identify yourself, sucker! Over.
B.D.: Who the hell is this?
I asked you first. Now answer my question, then say, "over" when you done
- speaking, mother [bleep] over. - B.D.: This is Black Dynamite,
the man who's gonna [bleep] up your hijacking plan.
Now, who the [bleep] are you?
You didn't say, "over." Over.
- B.D.: Over [bleep] damn it, over! - This is Leroy van Nuys, the
coldest cat to ever call himself a pimp. And right now, I got the game in
a headlock, and I ain't lettin' go,
even if the mother [bleep] taps out.
And the police ain't gonna do nothing to stop me! Over.
He's right, Black Dynamite. We're not gonna to do nothing to stop him.
Sun Tzu said, "confront the enemy using the element of surprise.
Use any necessary means, or, more specifically, take the pigs' helicopter."
[ gong crashes ] Ping-pong ain't got [bleep] on me!
B.D.: Sun Tzu, I like the way you thinking... when I have the flu.
Now, if we're gonna get on that train and save the game and my crew
from total devastation, there's one thing I'm a need to do first.
Ain't no way I'm showing up to a player's ball in
a bathrobe, even if it is to save everybody's life.
Sun Tzu said, "it is better to look good than to feel good... when you have the flu."
B.D.: I may look like a million, but I still feel like hell. I'm gonna need a extra
handkerchief with this getup, and I'm gonna need a co-pilot. Now, what do you say, Sun Tzu?
- "Comme ci" or "comme ça"? - Sun Tzu said, "is a pig's shit pork?"
B.D.: All shit is pork to me, and Black Dynamite don't eat no swine.
Too close to the behind.
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
- Black Dynamite, is that yo? - B.D.: Yes. Over.
Since you made the effort and showed up in person, I guess I won't hold you
- to no C.B. etiquette no more. - B.D.: I didn't get dressed up in these [bleep] you
threads, steal a police chopper, and fly all the way over here to discuss no damn C.B. etiquette,
- and you know this! - Oh, you came to talk to me about these so-called pimps?
You know what the best thing is about a pimp? There's so many ways to serve
these mother [bleep] up, man! Pimps are the fruits of the streets!
B.D.: Why did you waste all this perfectly good pimping, Leroy van Nuys?
- That just ain't cool, Jack. - I don't know what the [bleep] you is, Black Dynamite,
but I'll tell you what you ain't ... a stone-cold pimp!
B.D.: My stone-cold pimpin' ain't on trial, you platinum-headed freaky deak!
[ crashing ]
Attention, Player's Ball express. That crunching sound you just heard
accompanied by those bumps you just felt was the death of your only hope...
because the Player's Ball express just pulled a train on Black Dynamite.
- [ all gasp ] - And ain't nobody got [bleep] to say?
Well, choo mother [bleep] choo.
See, I told you! We're all gonna die!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
- Sun Tzu said ... - B.D.: Not now, Sun Tzu.
Black Dynamite's got to focus on getting his ass up from
under this train, or you and me both gonna be ancient history.
[ door opens ] A party just ain't a party without the tangy zip of Black Dynamite.
Cream Corn: Black Dynamite, you're alive!
- But you look like shit! - Honey Bee: Have you taken your medicine?
B.D.: I thought I told you Black Dynamite don't believe in no western medicine.
Now I think I'm gonna have to fall on my face. [ grunts ]
Black Dynamite lives? Destroy him, my Isaacs!
Sun Tzu said, "sometimes ancient books with profound
sayings just don't cut it... when you have the flu."
B.D.: So, what are you saying, Sun Tzu? And what do you mean?
Take some [bleep] damn medicine already so you won't have the flu!
[ crash ]
B.D.: Ah, fuck it.
[ shouts ] [ dramatic music plays ]
Huh?
Then it all ends here, where it all began ...
my own bloodstream. It's time to fight this flu to
the death, once and for all. Over! You flu mother [bleep] knew
about red blood cells and white blood cells,
but y'all ain't ready for these black blood cells!
Suey!
[ train horn blows ]
I told you my stone -cold pimpin' wasn't in question!
You're crazy, man! Let me go! Take the mother [bleep] controller!
B.D.: This pimp enough, you jive-ass, cavity-creep, stuffy-head,
- fever, so-you-can-rest mother [bleep] - Put a pimp down, man.
You know I'm handicap!
N-o-o-o-o! [ crashing ]
B.D.: Sun Tzu! Sun Tzu! Where the fuck are you?!
I did it! I killed the flu... when I had the flu!
[ groans ] [ thud ]
Tasty freeze? What are you doin' in my blood stream?
Cream Corn: We're not inside your blood stream, Black Dynamite.
You're on the Player's Ball express, and you just killed Leroy van Nuys.
- Great outfit, by the way. - Bullhorn: Not to sound like a whole asshole,
but van Nuys was holding the remote to
this whole damn train that is now out of control!
Honey Bee: Oh [bleep] Black Dynamite.
- That sign just said that the tracks are about to end! - We're headed for that ravine,
- and there ain't no way to slow us down! - B.D.: Then the only thing we can do
is speed this train up! Quick, what are diamonds before
- they are diamonds? - Cream Corn: Carbon.
B.D.: Which is close enough to coal for me. Everybody throw your ice into that furnace.
- What? Would you rather die? - Damn it, would you let a pimp think?
- Not my diamond bolo tie! - B.D.: Damn. That's not enough!
- We need more diamonds! - Come on! Let's throw ikey ice in there!
His ass wanted to be cremated anyway!
[ train horn blows ]
B.D.: Sue-e-e-y!
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
B.D.: Whew! Man, I feel great. Now, who wants to
go back to my pad for the Player's Ball after party?
[ vomits ]
♪ Dynamite! Dynamite! ♪
sync & correction by f1nc0 ~ addic7ed.com ~